[ it's too much all at once. she remembers what it was like to be raised by istredd, to have his love and attention, his genuine enthusiasm for teaching and guiding her along her path. but now she remembers gabriel tam too, her father by blood; she knows ( thinks ) he loved her, but it was never the same as the way he treated simon, and he never once believed that she may have been in danger at the academy, never tried to find out for himself.
for eight hundred years, istredd stood beside her. even when she was lost, even when she was hurting others as much as she was hurting herself. he accepted every broken part of her and never wavered. 'his favorite daughter' and his only one, the way it should have been at home.
but where is "home" at this point? which life would she choose? is any of it real? or is this just another layer of the dream? and oh, her shame and grief for forgetting simon...
all istredd will hear in response from her is a profound wave of sadness and the distant echo of her sobbing. it seems like today is a wash. maybe they can try again tomorrow, when there's another quiet tap on the glass. ]
[ Istredd knows that the words are weighted which is why he uses them. Family has been a difficult concept for him too. He was raised in an organization that was cold and hard, and they were both encouraged to see themselves as a brotherhood/sisterhood and also pitted against each other, always hoping the others would hurt so they did not. His father figure, now newly dead, used him and they had a torturous relationship.
But he's starting to learn that family can be chosen. That has happened here in Abraxas. Now they've experienced a future where they created that bond, and it was a loving one. He can be patient. He lets her have her privacy that first day.
[ so many choices were made in the time that never was. it's all so confusing. the memories are there, hazy though they may be; the emotions linger, as real as anything else she's felt, but what does that say when her reality has been twisted and warped before?
as much as she's back to a place of questioning everything, there is at least one thing she can say for certain. ]
I miss you.
[ she remembers them talking about this and a promise that was made, but she hasn't left her room and this is the closest she can think of to cross their paths for now. ]
I'm right here. Lucky for us, we don't need to talk in person.
[ Istredd has been staying in his room most of the time. He managed to drag his way back into the classrooms because his students have missed his tutelage for the time they were in the crater. So he felt it was wrong to sit alone instead of doing his duty. Responsibility is a familiar need. He ends up back in the room though, this crushing sense of wrongness to everything. ]
I know for me, I miss it. But it wasn't good for everyone.
[ Not for her maybe, not for Cassian either, but what he remembers is family. ]
[ lucky for us... river's mind is flooded with snapshots of her memories from the eight hundred years that passed in a dream, and she's silent for a long moment before she responds. ]
It wasn't good. But... some of it wasn't bad.
[ she remembers a family so different from her own. it was all a dream - but how could those feelings of love be a lie? ]
I think he's right. I've suspected this for a long time. The way we are connected to the Singularity and the powers it gives us, it's changing us. I think that vision of the future was accurate, about what we have in front of us.
[ the notion of that being the future that lies ahead of them fills her mind with the same inner turmoil that has kept her locked away from everyone for these last several days. thunder crackles and rain pours, but she still manages to push her thoughts out toward istredd through it all, even if it comes as a harsh whisper. ]
Accurate in terms of us gaining power. What we do with it is still up to us, and now we know what we do and don't want in the future. We can mold it better.
You won't. We'll get ahead of it this time, we'll be prepared. Think of all that we learned from experiencing it, and how we can change our path because of it. You won't be Serenity. You might not even be the same god, with the same dominion. Everything we do changes what happens next.
It's too much. It's - there are too many variables. It's completely irrational - there's no rationalizing it. Eight hundred years is a theoretical framework of time in a world that never existed, but then they say it's been three weeks instead and what is that supposed to mean? How can we know any of this is real? What if we're still dreaming?
[ and there she goes, spiraling off into her existential dread with all the angst of a teenage girl whose reality has been manipulated once before. ]
River. Breathe in and out. Ground yourself in the here and now. Pinch yourself, if you must. There is no rationalizing what happened to us there, but there is rational in the life we are experiencing now. Not knowing what might happen in the future has always been true of all of us with finite existences, the path could go anywhere. It doesn't mean any of that will happen.
Because we have to go on. If we can't accept the world as it presents itself to us, and the path we must follow from here, it would be easy to be paralyzed in place. But we have to live with the pain and the confusion. There is no other way.
[ his words strike a nerve, and perhaps he can feel it through their connection as a storm of emotions swirl within her. she struggled to accept the reality of the world around her long before arriving in abraxas. there is no other way.
there's a long window of silence from her before she finally settles on all that she can offer. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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for eight hundred years, istredd stood beside her. even when she was lost, even when she was hurting others as much as she was hurting herself. he accepted every broken part of her and never wavered. 'his favorite daughter' and his only one, the way it should have been at home.
but where is "home" at this point? which life would she choose? is any of it real? or is this just another layer of the dream? and oh, her shame and grief for forgetting simon...
all istredd will hear in response from her is a profound wave of sadness and the distant echo of her sobbing. it seems like today is a wash. maybe they can try again tomorrow, when there's another quiet tap on the glass. ]
back from vacay, thanks for your patience!
But he's starting to learn that family can be chosen. That has happened here in Abraxas. Now they've experienced a future where they created that bond, and it was a loving one. He can be patient. He lets her have her privacy that first day.
He opens up to her, as welcoming as before. ]
River. How are you?
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as much as she's back to a place of questioning everything, there is at least one thing she can say for certain. ]
I miss you.
[ she remembers them talking about this and a promise that was made, but she hasn't left her room and this is the closest she can think of to cross their paths for now. ]
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[ Istredd has been staying in his room most of the time. He managed to drag his way back into the classrooms because his students have missed his tutelage for the time they were in the crater. So he felt it was wrong to sit alone instead of doing his duty. Responsibility is a familiar need. He ends up back in the room though, this crushing sense of wrongness to everything. ]
I know for me, I miss it. But it wasn't good for everyone.
[ Not for her maybe, not for Cassian either, but what he remembers is family. ]
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It wasn't good. But... some of it wasn't bad.
[ she remembers a family so different from her own. it was all a dream - but how could those feelings of love be a lie? ]
Thank you, for always being there.
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I worry about you. Have you seen Cassian?
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[ but... that suffocating feeling in her chest from before returns, and her thoughts are soured by sadness and guilt. ]
I thought he was my brother. I forgot Simon. How could I forget him?
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[ whatever else can be said of what they went through and who is responsible for it, that message has stayed with her most profoundly. ]
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I... I don't want that. It wasn't good.
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We can't go home? Will we be here forever?
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[ and there she goes, spiraling off into her existential dread with all the angst of a teenage girl whose reality has been manipulated once before. ]
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there's a long window of silence from her before she finally settles on all that she can offer. ]
I'll do my best.
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head for a wrap? c:
And wrap!