[ river has to think on that a second, because each has its merits. inside means it wasn't physical, lydia's blood isn't spilled in the hallways somewhere and she won't have to lay in medbay like neal who told such beautifully sad stories. but now his insides are scarred too, equal and opposite reaction; river doesn't like the idea of not being able to slap a bandage on lydia's hurt and call it a day. ]
It's a muscle. It's - muscular. Tear it apart to grow back stronger.
[ later, when lydia goes home ( do they really go home, or does the ship just give them the new memories and scars and maybe even kill them in those pods ) her blood will spill around her next. it won't be slashed, and it'll all stay in but it will still be a scar ( a battle scar, for she can survive ).
lydia hates things she can't fix easily ( solve easily ). this is one of those things. ]
There's more than one piece. Can't afford to be without it. Should have left it alone.
[ river you flatter her too much. ]
I lied. Made them all mad. Told them I was from a future that doesn't exist. I was desperate. Had to do it or I'd have burned to ashes and only ashes.
[ this seems important to clarify. river remembers the illusion of burning and the heat of it licking at the branches below. they don't burn, the two of them; it's why river adores lydia quite so much. they don't burn, even when they're engulfed in it, when it's tearing down everything. they emerge unscathed because they must. katniss can suck it, lydia martin is the girl on fire. ]
You aren't. You're solid and whole, even when pieces are missing. We bring them back. Like a puzzle where all the pieces are the same colour and you have to make your own picture. Can't do that if you're keeping your hands tied with a lie.
[ lydia martin has fiery red hair that protects her from the true flames, after all you build up immunities ( immune, that's a curse that ensures there's always a scar she can't burn away ) when exposed to things for long enough. but sometimes the fire just smacks her, burns her, remind her that even with all her immunity it can hit her where she doesn't want it.
she survives things, comes out on top, but sometimes the fact that she gets a burn or two anyway dampens the complete joy. ]
They're not tied with a lie, but there's ties still around my wrists. [ i know, but at what cost. ]
Cut off circulation long enough and it doesn't matter.
[ all the things that make up river tam are broken pieces put together in the shape of a girl. it isn't - fun, being as disjointed as she is, as deluded. there are scorch marks across her heart and her brain, things that hold her back. lydia finds them on herself and river can watch her fight against them in ways she can't manage herself; it's cathartic, in a manner, how lydia is hyper-intelligent and socially apt and will humour riddles and questions that only river can follow, like it's perfectly normal. perfectly functional, when most days, it feels like she isn't.
they're on a lost path and lydia is her guiding light. sometimes the light breaks through the clouds for that singular moment of clarity, a thought or an idea for the briefest of moments, where delusions fall away and show her something true. she can see something for what it is, and not in the illusions made up in the mind of a child swallowed up by a wolf.
she can see. ]
It matters. If it didn't, it wouldn't feel like burning. You wouldn't be willing to try. Neither would the others. You matter, Lydia.
[ it feels normal to lydia, or at least— her idea of normalcy has been warped enough to allow her to think this sort of thing is normal. that talking to river in riddles and questions and words that don't make any real sense is the most normal thing she could do.
lydia doesn't feel like a guiding light most of the time, not in the way river might see her as. she's smart, she can clear things up, but she can't keep things clear for very long. ]
I burned them. They're not going to bother. I've— this isn't home, River.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( voice | locked )
[ where does it hurt, where are you, where was the fire. a million questions but it's the first she's really concerned about. ]
( voice | locked )
Inside. [ my heart. not my mind, my mind feels more whole than it has in ages. ]
( voice | locked )
It's a muscle. It's - muscular. Tear it apart to grow back stronger.
[ u got a buff ass heart, lydia. ]
What happened?
( voice | locked )
lydia hates things she can't fix easily ( solve easily ). this is one of those things. ]
There's more than one piece. Can't afford to be without it. Should have left it alone.
[ river you flatter her too much. ]
I lied. Made them all mad. Told them I was from a future that doesn't exist. I was desperate. Had to do it or I'd have burned to ashes and only ashes.
( voice | locked )
[ this seems important to clarify. river remembers the illusion of burning and the heat of it licking at the branches below. they don't burn, the two of them; it's why river adores lydia quite so much. they don't burn, even when they're engulfed in it, when it's tearing down everything. they emerge unscathed because they must. katniss can suck it, lydia martin is the girl on fire. ]
You aren't. You're solid and whole, even when pieces are missing. We bring them back. Like a puzzle where all the pieces are the same colour and you have to make your own picture. Can't do that if you're keeping your hands tied with a lie.
[ you did the right thing. ]
( voice | locked )
[ lydia martin has fiery red hair that protects her from the true flames, after all you build up immunities ( immune, that's a curse that ensures there's always a scar she can't burn away ) when exposed to things for long enough. but sometimes the fire just smacks her, burns her, remind her that even with all her immunity it can hit her where she doesn't want it.
she survives things, comes out on top, but sometimes the fact that she gets a burn or two anyway dampens the complete joy. ]
They're not tied with a lie, but there's ties still around my wrists. [ i know, but at what cost. ]
Cut off circulation long enough and it doesn't matter.
( voice | locked )
[ all the things that make up river tam are broken pieces put together in the shape of a girl. it isn't - fun, being as disjointed as she is, as deluded. there are scorch marks across her heart and her brain, things that hold her back. lydia finds them on herself and river can watch her fight against them in ways she can't manage herself; it's cathartic, in a manner, how lydia is hyper-intelligent and socially apt and will humour riddles and questions that only river can follow, like it's perfectly normal. perfectly functional, when most days, it feels like she isn't.
they're on a lost path and lydia is her guiding light. sometimes the light breaks through the clouds for that singular moment of clarity, a thought or an idea for the briefest of moments, where delusions fall away and show her something true. she can see something for what it is, and not in the illusions made up in the mind of a child swallowed up by a wolf.
she can see. ]
It matters. If it didn't, it wouldn't feel like burning. You wouldn't be willing to try. Neither would the others. You matter, Lydia.
( voice | locked )
lydia doesn't feel like a guiding light most of the time, not in the way river might see her as. she's smart, she can clear things up, but she can't keep things clear for very long. ]
I burned them. They're not going to bother. I've— this isn't home, River.