thoughts | [ ic; contact: ataraxion ]

[ if she could be anything but honest, jayne, but she tells the truth even when she lies. ]

Have you asked? About before.

No. What about before?

[ He had tried to read the FAQ before realizing it was a whole lot of words and then fell asleep using the text-to-voice option on it several times, so he's gotten bits and pieces... sort of. ]

Everything is about before.

[ she says it a bit aggressively, near frantic, the way she clings to simon and begs him not to go, don't go around the corner, the end is waiting for them.

it's still waiting. only thing one has no face and no name and river doesn't understand it. they changed the blood. ]

Ask. You have to ask.

[ and then she ends the feed. ]

You.

Me.

Yes. You're used to space travel.

[ not that he's been stalking you or anything, river. call it... continually accidentally and incidentally catching a hold of his attention. which is, on a good day, slippery. ]

[ when he wants to unravel a puzzle, like the tranquility is, he finds it best to just grab a hold of a thread and pull. ]

[ river loves puzzles. and this one is particularly puzzling. consider her invested. ]

She is. Used to and still does, will do when our tech reaches this level. If. No Clarkes yet.

[ she pauses in her rambling to look at him and smile. ]

Won't reach yours.

Sufficiently advanced, though.

[ this conversation is the equivalent of a warm bath, excuse him while he basks. ]

Sufficiently.

[ she leans closer to the video, whispers conspiratorially. ]

Some of them didn't believe we were in space.

Course not. Not enough windows.

Not nearly enough. We're in a new system with new stars and new planets and the holodecks pretend but it's not the same. Can't paint a mural and say you've seen the landscape.

[ she wants to see them, dammit! ]

I hear there are windows in the shuttle bay.

[ he'd looked, in fact. discovered that he didn't know where they were, terrifyingly exhilarating. there's not many places in space and time that he can't pinpoint on arrival. ]

And doors, of course. But doors are trickier.

[ oh, the places you'll go, river tam, that you really really oughtn't. but at the mention of the latter, she withdraws just a little. ]

Doors aren't meant to be opened. Can't look through.

And you're maybe my favorite for being good at that.

[ it's true, in a way, the way she says that. because if she can say this and peter doesn't know that'll make it real and make it tangible and makes it possible for her to do these things. makes it possible for the sun to burn the wolf who dared defy her natural order. ]

Time to push back and burn. Maybe. I haven't decide if he'll really burn like he has before.

[ river just smiles sweetly, almost childishly; playing make-believe with the innocence not to know the difference and the experience to believe it anyway. ]

It's not the fire that burns, or the scars left behind. It's the one that lights the match.

[ lydia isn't wounded because a wolf tried to reach her insides. she was hurt because a man made it in and tried to take what wasn't his. if there's anything, anything river understands, it's that.

holding the match is what makes lydia stronger. ]

[ yes this is more like it. ]

There are quite a few unopenable doors on this ship.

Aren't meant to be opened. But they want you to.

They, the doors?

They, the hallways.

[ how very house of leaves of you, river. ]

Is that so. I hope you've not been going wandering. I hear it's dangerous out there.

[ most insincere pair of sentences ever oops. ]

[ she gets a small smile, like she knows the things she doesn't. ]

Everyone says not to go but feet get restless. Devil's playthings.

[ which is not quite right but neither is anything else about the ship. ]

[ a man made it in and tried to take what wasn't his. it splits between them now, almost like warring sides, if lydia thinks about it too hard ( she doesn't because that means acknowledging again and again that she is not herself— she is not who she is supposed to be ). lydia just wants it back, wants everything back to normal because she needs it that way.

she needs a lot of things. this is the only one she can control. ( she thinks, and hopes. ]

And I have the match ready to be lit when I want to. I want to do it soon. I— I am not myself you see.

[ river ducks her head, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. hope. ]

I have - there are ... pieces. Missing. And some days, I think I have them. Some days, I know -

[ that she doesn't. that they were sliced away and they're not coming back, not ever. river can't be fixed. she can only be managed. ]

But I know I'm me. I know I have fingers and toes and they're mine, even when I don't know they're there. Still River.

[ she looks up then, a bit sheepish. hope is a foreign concept, but river exists in the spaces where concepts and reality blur into colours only she can see. lydia is red, and she burns like the sun. concepts in reality. ]

Even when you forget you hold the match. You're 'Lydia first.'

For the record, Crazy? I ain't particularly fond of when you're right.

[ THIS IS WEIRD HE DOESN'T LIKE IT ]

Admitting is the first step to recovery.

[ lesson one in the eight-point dealing with river tam program. aa would be proud. ]

[ ic; contact: ataraxion ]

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video » locked » faith you don't have to reply to this.

video » locked » but what if i want to ally what if i want this thread forever.

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video » locked » well then we'll make it go into forever and i can see into forever rn

video » locked » and it is beautiful

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